


Despair

by Duffydog



Series: Despair/Hope [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-31 20:44:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21151934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duffydog/pseuds/Duffydog
Summary: Some weeks after returning to the Alpha Quadrant, Chakotay writes a letter to Kathryn Janeway.





	Despair

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thanks to Shayenne for her patient and unerring eye.
> 
> Prequel to ‘Hope’.

Dear Kathryn,

I’m sitting in the main concourse of the interstellar space station, waiting to board a civilian transport to Bajor. I’m not alone here – I’m accompanied by one of Starfleet’s finest, his eyes constantly roaming the crowds flowing past as if to detect some insidious plot by my friends that will free me from the exile I’ve been sentenced to. He hasn’t yet realized what I discovered several hours ago – there will be no escape, no dash for freedom. Beyond a select few at Starfleet Headquarters, no one knows I’m here.

Do you know, Kathryn? My head tells me that maybe you do, although my heart assures me that if you did, you’d be here by now, demanding my freedom, protecting me with all that you are. You’re the last remnant of the allegiance I once swore to Starfleet and the Federation. Time and again I have been betrayed by those I trusted, but not by you, never by you.

I actually debated with myself for nearly half an hour whether I should even attempt this letter, since I don’t know any more what you feel for me. Fondness and affection, perhaps, or maybe hatred and contempt, because I thought I’d fallen in love with Seven? Can you forgive a foolish man’s ego, which allowed him to believe that he had finally found a woman who would love him just for himself? She did love me that way, Kathryn, for a little while anyway, although what she feels now, I don’t know. I haven’t seen her or anyone else since the day after our official welcome home, a week after we returned to the Alpha Quadrant. I hope, wherever she is, she’s happier than me.

Have you wondered why I didn’t contact you after that night, although I promised I would? Perhaps you thought that, wrapped up in Seven, I’d forgotten you. But even if I had been with her, that would not have been true.

For the last six weeks, I’ve been sequestered in a secure location known only to the higher echelons of Starfleet Security. I have been questioned, over and over again, about every detail of my actions while in the Maquis – what rank I held, what ships I served on, where they were located, what missions I participated in and who was targeted. The odd thing is that my interrogators seemed to know the answers before I could open my mouth. It’s as if I were simply verifying information already learned and processed. When I tried to find out what they were looking for, I was told very brusquely that I was to speak only when asked a direct question, and otherwise to remain silent.

I still don’t know what they wanted, or even who they really were. At first, I thought it was a standard board of inquiry – three officers of captain’s rank or higher – but now, I’m wondering if they were even members of Starfleet. Despite the uniform, they certainly didn’t behave like any officers I’ve ever known.

Well, it’s all over and done with now, and I no longer care. Whoever they were, they decided my fate and gave me an ultimatum. Comply with their decision or be extradited to Cardassia. As you can imagine, I didn’t have to think very long. And it’s not so bad. I’m still free, well – sort of, but not locked up in a prison somewhere like the rest of the Maquis. As well, they promised to recommend full pardons for every one of my crew. I have no way of knowing if they’ll keep that promise, but I’m hoping you will keep an eye on our people. That’s what prompted me in the end to write to you. I can endure just about anything as long as I know our crew is safe and free.

So, are you fidgeting impatiently because I haven’t yet told you what happens to me? Sorry, I know how you hate secrets. I’m exiled to Dorvan Five for the rest of my life. Once there, I will be allowed a certain amount of personal freedom, but I will only be able to go to the spaceport, which is also the main settlement, if I make arrangements ahead of time so that a Starfleet officer can accompany me and make sure I behave myself. I am not to send or receive messages of any kind to anyone off-planet, nor ask anyone else to do so on my behalf. As well, I can’t associate with any former Maquis who might be living there, even if they are in the same village. If I break any of these edicts, I will be taken into custody and placed in a maximum security prison for the remainder of my days.

I suppose, if I’d really pushed hard, I could have demanded and maybe even gotten a trial, but you know, Kathryn, in the end, I was just too damn tired to be bothered. My heart is weary beyond exhaustion, I’m worn out and all I want now is to be left alone. I guess I’m no longer an angry warrior or even much of a man, but merely an insignificant little speck in the universe, destined to disappear without a trace. However, there could be worse fates than spending the rest of my life on Dorvan. At least I’ll know my way around, that is, if the Cardassians left any recognizable landmarks.

When I look back, my greatest joy as well as my biggest regret is you. I should have waited for you, I know that now. You have been my best friend, my confidant, my source of strength. Oh, I know you always said I was your rock, but really, I think it was the other way around. Without you, I am nothing, I can be nothing.

I miss you, Kathryn. God! How I miss you! It tears at my soul that I’ll never see you again. Anything else – losing my crew, Seven, even B’Elanna – I can bear, but to know you are forever beyond my reach is more than I can stand. How can I survive without seeing that gleam in your eye? Without hearing your voice? I know – you’re saying that if I’d left with Seven, I wouldn’t have seen or heard you then, and I guess that’s true in a way, but I would have been able to contact you at will, to talk to you whenever I wanted. Now, you’re gone with all the rest and all I have is a holoimage, one of the few possessions I was allowed to keep.

It’s one I took of you on New Earth, just a day or two before Tuvok contacted us. You were working in the garden when I called your name and you looked up in surprise. The picture shows you half-kneeling, hands filthy, hair a tangled mess, face smudged with dirt and wearing that beautiful smile, the one I always think of as your ‘Kathryn’ smile. Do you remember that day? Perhaps not, there was nothing particularly special about it, but oh! the poignant memories it brings back! So many times, I’ve wished Voyager had never returned for us. Is that selfish? I suppose it is, but I was so happy there, so filled with peace and contentment. I don’t expect I’ll ever feel that way again.

The guard is telling me it’s time for us to go. I’m hoping, Kathryn, that with a little subterfuge, this letter will find its way to you. I know I don’t have to ask you to care for my people – you couldn’t do anything else, and I’m grateful they’re in such good hands. If I never see you again in this life, perhaps somehow, we’ll find each other on another plane of existence. I have to believe that – it’s all I have left.

Goodbye, my brave woman warrior. Think kindly of me, and know that, for all the years past as well as those yet to come, I love you and I always will.

Yours for eternity,

Chakotay

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Paramount’s, although they certainly didn’t know what to do with them.
> 
> Originally posted Feb. 3, 2003 - MaryS


End file.
